Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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