i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
