I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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