Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
