I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
