so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
