well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
