if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
