My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
