So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
