im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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