I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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