I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
