Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
