evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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