sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
You're completely useless in the revolution.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
