Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
