i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
