Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
