just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
