Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
