I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
