I CAN MOONWALK!
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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