Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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