Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
