I'm gonna have a badass scar
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
