Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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