Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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