I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
