I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
