I faked an abortion last night.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Just puked most of my soul out..
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
