I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
In America we eat man semen.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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