but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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