girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
