God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
