whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
