I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
