Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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