Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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