I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
