dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
