They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
