Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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