Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
