The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
