Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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