I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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