the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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