Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Randomize
