I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
