I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
