Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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